The other day I was walking on a pedestrian street in a major town in a not too distant a country. In those kinds of places there are usually a large number of people who try to approach you. Salesmen of mobile phones, Jehova's witnesses, environmentalists against the nearest airfield and the like. This time I was approached by an ordinary looking gentleman who asked me the unusual question:
"Excuse me, sir. Do you mind me asking if you consider yourself handsome?"
This was a new twist. I have had prostitutes come up to me asking me if I thought they were beautiful.
Initially I intended to brush the man aside, but it suddenly struck me that there was no harm in actually answering honestly.
"Well, now you mention it, no I do not consider myself particularly attractive."
"I thought so", the man answered. "Not that you would be more ugly than most people, but I looked at you, and I said to myself 'this is a man who knows himself'."
"Eh... Thank you... I think", I replied even more confused.
"Let me introduce myself. I am John Smith from JTU, Just Too Ugly."
"You say that I'm ugly?"
"Oh, no. It's not for me to come with such a judgement. But if you were to suggest it yourself, I might not actively deny it."
"What's going on here?"
"Let me explain. A few years ago I met a marvellous girl. We spent the night together, and I have rarely experienced such a pleasure as I did that night. But in the morning, I went to the bathroom and got a terrible shock. I was ugly. I hadn't changed my face over night - oh, no, It looked exactly the same as before. It was just that I suddenly realised that it was an ugly face. At that moment, the woman came into the bathroom as well. She absentmindedly said good morning and started brushing her teeth. How can such a woman feel attracted to me, I asked myself? And at that moment I suddenly lost all respect for her. What a desperate woman she must be, if she accepts having sex with anyone as ugly as me.
"I left after a stiff good-bye, and said to myself that I had to do something about this. I went to a bar that evening and mentioned my experience to a few people. Some thought it sounded creepy, but there were also some, who agreed with me. Not that I was ugly, but that they considered themselves too ugly for relationships. Looking at them, I realised that I too thought they were too ugly to have any sane relationship. What were we to do? Some people might solve this situation by using cosmetics and going to gyms, but we instead decided to form a society for people, who do not want to deny their true identity. That's how JTU started."
I gasped.
"So, what do you do in JTU? I guess it's not a good pick-up place?"
"You are right. We meet once a week and talk about how little sex we have had recently, and what a good service we do to mankind by not pro-creating."
"And you think I look a good candidate for this club of yours?"
"We have people of all kinds. Thick people, thin people, men, women, tall, short, ugly, beautiful... Yes, even people who would be admired for their beauty in other circumstances, sometimes realise their own limitations and do not want to impose themselves on the opposite sex, more than for a glass of beer perhaps - sometimes hidden by dark sun-glasses or a brown paperbag."
"Brown paperbag?"
"Brown or white or any other colour will do. Some of us find it such a relief to come to the club and put a paperbag over their heads with two small holes punched for the eyes. Finally, no one can see their ugliness, and yet they can sit and have a normal conversation with other people, who accept their handicap without prejudices. You rarely see so many people drink beer with a straw as at our reunions. Get out and meet other people, but don't show your ugly conk!"
At that moment there was a young red-haired woman passing us. She smiled and looked into my eyes. She may have smiled simply because she had overheard part of the discussion, or because she just had heard a funny joke. But I took it as a sign that I definitely did not have to join JTU.
It was just out of politeness that I took their phone number.
2 October 2005
by Magnus Lewan